Diego Costa has described his treatment by Chelsea like that of a “thuggish werewolf” and howled his desire to join Atlético Madrid.
The striker, a Libra, was sent a text in June by boss Antonio Conte telling him to stay the hell away from his first team squad lest he be forced to “call in some favours” from “friends back home”.
An initial ploy to drive him out by placing a horse’s head in his bed backfired when Costa devoured the head then sent a text requesting another.
Costa says the club are now demanding he either assume the role of night watchman for the club’s training ground or sod the hell off.
He told Football Burp: “I feel like I’ve been treated like a thuggish werewolf and I can’t understand why.
“Is it because I ate a couple of youth team players that one time? Maybe, maybe not, but either way it hurts.
“In January, things happened with the coach. I was on the brink of renewing my contract, then a full moon came out and I went on a murderous rampage.
“The manager’s ideas are very fixed and clear – no murderous rampages. It’s very inhibiting. But he has his own opinion and that will not change.
“I respect him as a great coach, but he is very distant and doesn’t possess charisma. He nags me to wipe the blood from my fangs and makes me mop up any human entrails I’ve strewn about the place.
“It’s workplace harassment, frankly, and I shall be forced to take my unique talents elsewhere.”