ITV will today begin auditioning families to feature in nauseating and frankly misleading stock footage representing Everton v Liverpool as ‘the friendly derby’.
David Moyes’s Toffees side beat Sunderland 2-0 at the Stadium of Light last night to set up an April 14th FA Cup semi-final date against their local rivals at Wembley, a tie that is already every bit as hotly anticipated as this sentence is loaded with key search terms.
With just over two weeks to go until the big day, ITV producers have wasted no time in assembling a panel of John Barnes, Peter Reid, Cilla Black and Gary Barlow to judge – live on television and at gratuitous expense – which Merseyside families are sufficiently nauseating and unrepresentative to star in slow-motion clips of them skipping hand-in-hand down Wembley way holding aloft purple scarves bearing the words “Liverton” and “Everpool”.
A spokesperson for ITV said: “The Merseyside derby is one of the most exciting fixtures in the English football calendar, and for it to be an FA Cup semi-final at Wembley just makes it one of the most exciting fixtures in the English football calendar.
“For us, though, what makes the Merseyside derby truly one of the most exciting fixtures in the English football calendar is just how much Liverpool and Everton fans love each other – carrying around pictures of each other in their wallets, kissing behind the bike sheds, eating from the same plate of spaghetti and meatballs while being serenaded by a comical Italian stereotype, even on occasion #FFing each other on Twitter.
“It is this spirit that we at ITV shall be doing our utmost to convey through sheer, misty-eyed Tyldesley-ism, and there is sure to be some classic Reid-Barlow banter along the way – so be sure to tune in for what is undoubtedly one of the most footballing excitements in the English fixture calendar!”
In other news, dozens of passers-by last night reported hearing a distinct, perceptible ‘gulp’ rumbling forth from the foundations of Wembley Stadium. Brent Borough Police are treating the incident as “understandable”.