Tottenham Hotspur have been rocked by a shock drug scandal, with the frog in Andre Villas-Boas’s throat confessing that it carries hallucinogenic properties.
The Spurs boss, croaky, had come in for criticism after overseeing yesterday’s disastrous 6-0 defeat at Manchester City, the club’s worst result in 17 years.
However, the White Hart Lane faithful might be more understanding now that the psych-tinged impairment to Villas-Boas’s judgement has been made public.
It is not the first time that the famous north London team has become shrouded in controversy of late, with all sorts of gripes about religious slurs, supporter volume and goalkeeper concussion flying around this season.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, the frog in AVB’s throat outed itself as an Autralian cane toad that found its way to Portugal after becoming accidentally sealed in a shipment of low-quality lager.
It ribbited: “It’s true, I do secrete the active chemical bufotenin.
“Bufotenin is similar in chemical structure to psilocin and DMT, both powerful psychoactives, so you can see how Andre might have thought it a good idea to bring on Adebayor yesterday.
“Side effects of bufotenin have been known to include increased heart rate, pupil dilation, visual hallucinations and overpaying dramatically for Spanish strikers.
“You might be wondering what on Earth Andre saw in Paulinho and Lamela, but try to see it through the eyes of someone who, unbeknownst to him, absorbs more mind-altering substances on a daily basis than Jimi Hendrix managed in his whole life.
“I think it’s admirable, so I have no regrets about hopping into his mouth that day while he was yawning at his own tactics.”
Villas-Boas was unavailable for comment as he was busy learning sitar from the ghost of Ravi Shankar.
Have your say: What’s the most you’ve ever paid for a Spanish striker while mashed off your noggin on frog juice? Drop us a line in the comments whatchamacallit, down there…