Ian Holloway will take the place of repeatedly disgraced former Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson in a shock restructuring of the BBC staple, it has been done gone said.

The character, quotable, had just been sacked as manager of Championship strugglers Millwall when he got the call from new co-hosts Richard Hammond and James May welcoming him to “the gang”.

Known for his colourful similes and fevered flights of fancy, Holloway has little experience of talking with bluster about cars in front of a camera while dressed like a farmer on gardening leave – although he did once make an analogy about Paul Furlong as a vintage Rolls Royce.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Ian Holloway acknowledged both his unsuitability to the role and our own idleness in combining such disparate news entities solely due to timing.

He said: “You call this satire? Just because they happen concurrently, doesn’t make them relevant to each other.

“I suppose now you’re going to make me say something ludicrous, rambling and only faintly analogous to the matter at hand – something about taking a lady home and showing her your parakeets hatching.

“Except less euphemistic-sounding. Unless of course that’s what you want, in which case I’ve got some nifty new badger’s arsehole metaphors I’ve been waiting to try out.

“Unfortunately you’re not allowed to be funny when you’re losing every week.”

Jeremy Clarkson has been placed in temporary charge of Millwall.