A footballer insists he’s determined to become better at being a footballer, and that he’ll work hard to achieve this.
Speaking to a broadsheet newspaper, one of those insufferably right-wing ones that’s redeemed in part by its extensive sports coverage, the player revealed that he’s been watching videos of other footballers in his quest to learn and improve.
With a glazed expression misreported as a steely gaze, the footballer confirmed that he has also been:
- EATING healthier food, like fish and that
- TRAINING a little longer, even arriving slightly early on occasion
- GETTING massages and stuff
- LISTENING to Drake’s entire back catalogue on loop
He said: “As a footballer, it’s only natural that I want to become better at football so I can maybe win some things, like trophies.
“Watching Paul Scholes and listening to Drake has taught me loads over the last few months, absolutely loads, and there’s even this boxer I like watching.
“The boxer’s poise and movement could definitely help me to football better, and footballing better is something I strive for every day.
“I’d like to be one of those successful players who’s really good, ideally, although I’d settle for just being an obscenely well-paid one.
“Then I could hire Drake to play at my wedding when I decide to settle down to a local girl with an orange face.
“Then I’ll have kids with shit names.”