“I Don’t Think It Will Kill Him,” Says Apologetic Tevez

Manchester City striker Carlos Tevez doesn't really want Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson to die
Tevez... "F**kwitted" (Img: Alfonso Jimenez)
Part-time Manchester City striker Carlos Tevez has apologised for holding aloft a placard bearing the slogan “RIP Fergie”, insisting that he doesn’t actually want his former manager to die.

The Argentine, lupine, was handed the sign during the Premier League title winners’ victory parade yesterday and shocked onlookers by thrusting it jovially into the air, apparently unconcerned by how such an action might directly impact upon Sir Alex Ferguson’s health.

People, many, took to the internet to label the gesture variously as “insensitive”, “horrifying” and “f**kwitted” – but Tevez, an Aquarius, tempered his apology by suggesting that holding the card up probably wouldn’t result in the Manchester United manager’s untimely demise, unless of course it sends him into a spiral of doubt and self-loathing that triggers dangerous levels of whiskey intake.

He growled: “I got carried away in the excitement of the moment and I certainly didn’t mean any disrespect to Sir Alex Ferguson, who I admire as a man and a manager.

“The slogan was I believe a reference to his publicly expressed assertion that United would never be underdogs against City in his lifetime. In any case, I would like to make it absolutely clear that I don’t actually want him to die, and nor do I think that my action will make him die.

“As much as people like to espouse the power of positive thinking, even prayer, I’m not so sure that holding up a sign saying ‘RIP so-and-so’ will lead directly to their death, unless of course they happen to be standing next to you on the open-top bus at the time and the upwards thrust of the card sends them off their balance and over the edge.

“Or if it was interpreted by ultras as an instruction, but we’re not Ukrainian for crying out loud.

“None of us have a racist sidekick called Marek.”

When Football Burp drew attention to his markedly improved use of English, Tevez said: “Well, you’ve got to kill the time somehow.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean that I actually want to kill time. Long live time.”