Hull owner to have supporters killed by actual tigers

Allam says he definitely wants those Siberian ones, maybe some Bengals too 'cause they look dead fierce and all.

Siberian tiger
Come and have a go if you think you’re savage enough (Image: S. Taheri)

Controversial Hull City owner Assem Allam has announced his intention to have the club’s supporters destroyed by releasing tigers into the stands at their next home game.

The Egyptian, tyrannical, has become so irritated with fan opposition to his proposed name change from Hull City to Hull Tigers that he shall have them all killed in poetic fashion.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Allam asked if having all the Hull fans killed by tigers would constitute irony, and if it doesn’t then just forget he asked and stick with the epithet ‘poetic’.

He said: “No, no need for copy approval – I trust you.

“I’m not sure yet where I’ll source the tigers, but I definitely want those Siberian ones.

“Maybe one or two Bengals too. They seem like they’re dead fierce.

“It’s got to be irony, hasn’t it? I mean, they’ve called their opposition campaign City Till I Die, for crying out loud.

“And it’s not even grammatically correct. I’m Egyptian, and even I know that ’til is the contraction of until, as opposed to till, which is the thing on a shop counter with money in it.

“Or the verb till, which is to prepare land for the raising of crops.

“I’m right, aren’t I?”

When it was pointed out that a cursory google revealed ’till’ to be an acceptable form of ‘until’, Allam remained philosophical.

He said: “Yeah, but that’s just one of those common errors that wormed its way into your language somehow.

“Stupid fans. Hooligans, the lot of ’em. I hope they all die, and soon – preferably shredded to pieces by a savage posse of Siberian and Bengal tigers.

“Oh wait, I’m doing that, aren’t I? Ha! That’ll show ’em.”

Steve Bruce was unavailable for comment as he was busy holding his head in his hands and muttering “I don’t need this sh*t, I really don’t” over and over again.