Home nations triumphs linked to imminent apocalypse

Form of England, Northern Ireland, Republic of Ireland, Scotland and Wales "almost certainly" a harbinger of doom.

Home nations star Kyle Lafferty
HARBINGER: Lafferty (Image: Alasdair Middleton)

Scientists have cited the recent spate of positive results for home nations teams as proof positive that Armageddon is upon us.

With England, Northern Ireland, Republic of Ireland, Scotland and Wales all sitting pretty in their respective Euro 2016 qualifying groups, rumour quickly spread of a five-pronged ‘four horsemen’ effect setting in.

Having discussed matters late into last night over an “epic” Chinese takeaway, leading scientists are now firmly of the belief that escalating tensions and pestilence around the world can be attributed to the simultaneous footballing success of the home nations.

One of them said: “Truly this is ‘end of days’ territory we’ve entered here.

“That might not sound very scientific to some, but it’s by far the most rational explanation for what we’re witnessing at the moment.

“One of the home nations doing well? Sure, that’s been known to happen. Two of them doing okay? On rare occasions, yes.

“Three of them faring less dismally than usual? I’ve seen it. But all five home nations blazing a trail at the same time?

“It’s a portent of doom, no two ways about it. I mean, come on – Andros Townsend? The cat’s well and truly out the bag now.

“There’s no specific mention of Steven Naismith or Kyle Lafferty in the Book of Revelation, but there is this one bit where Jesus hails the potential of Hal Robson-Kanu.

“In the illustrated hardback version there’s even a depiction of John O’Shea’s equaliser against Germany. That’s pretty spooky.”