England coach Roy ‘Psycho’ Hodgson is sweating on the fitness of Manchester City midfielder Gareth Barry as he prepares to mastermind what promises to be the Three Lions’ most dismal major tournament to date.
Hodgson, powerless to stop it, got his reign up and running with a 1-0 win against Norway on Saturday, before telling a hastily arranged and subsequently grossed out press conference that he was sweating on Barry as he lay prone on his hospital bed, drip drip dripping over his player’s troublesome groin injury like the steady discharge of air conditioning condensation, or perhaps even Japanese water torture if you’re one of the people who finds the image of Hodgson sweating on Barry distressing for any number of reasons.
These people, distressed, number thousands whose lives will be in serious danger if they are unable to stop scratching their heads as a manifestation of their confusion as to Barry’s continuing importance to the England set-up.
A doctor-looking man said: “Without wanting to cause widespread panic, I can confirm that if these supporters keep scratching their heads from now until England’s inevitable humbling exit then they will eventually burrow through their skulls with their fingernails and scramble their own brains until they die from it.
“This, along with the very real prospects of being eaten by a crazed Ukrainian fascist or taking one of Steven Gerrard’s miscued Hollywood passes full in the face, leads me to advise all England fans to take a nice holiday somewhere far, far away from Euro 2012 and the near-certain death that the tournament will bring.
“Roy’s a good man and an astute coach, but as long as the FA keeps rolling it in from sales of Gerrard and Lampard England jerseys there is precisely zero chance of him being able to mould an actual team as opposed to a collection of egos who couldn’t pass their way around a smattering of garden gnomes.
“My professional advice would be to stick the big lad Carroll up top and hit it long. It’s not a popular tactic, but I guarantee that England’s chances of winning would increase tenfold.”
He added: “Please, for your own safety, try not to think about Gareth Barry.”