The Headline Writers Union has declared a national holiday in celebration of the Carlos Tevez driving ban that prompted a nationwide scramble to be the first to use the headline “Car Loss Tevez”.

Tevez, Argentinish, was penalised for failing to respond to police-issued speeding notices, claiming that he didn’t recognise the word ‘constabulary’ and therefore didn’t realise what it was concerning.

Speaking exclusively to South American website El Burpo Futbolistico, Tevez said he was disappointed with the ruling but remained confident that his prior experience of not engaging in a particular activity for months on end should stand him in good stead.

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the Headline Writers Union said: “This is our finest hour since Leeds United signed Eirik Bakke.

“‘To Elland Bakke’! Geddit? What a day that was.”

He added: “I’m always sure to say ‘well, that was a Hart stopping moment’ every time Manchester City goalkeeper Joe makes a save.

“So far I’ve had three laughs to just the one punch. Winning.”