Harry Kane’s August droughts linked to pollen levels

Striker's perpetually open mouth not conducive to blistering starts, claim scientists.

Spurs striker Harry Kane can't score in August
Guess who’s been Kaning the pollen (Image: enviro warrior)

Harry Kane’s inability to score during the month of August could be due to pollen build-ups affecting his motor neurone functions.

That’s the opinion of scientists, who cite the Spurs striker’s perpetually open mouth as a major complication during the summer months.

According to the boffins, this could also explain those weird corners at Euro 2016.

Kane marked the beginning of September in style by plundering – plundering, mind you – two goals in England’s 4-0 World Cup qualifying win in Malta yesterday.

It comes after yet another goalless start to a Premier League season, infuriating stupid fantasy football managers who never learn their damn lesson.


And it could all owe itself to the notorious powdery flower discharge, pollen.

One boffin said: “We know Harry derives a lot of his powers from his perpetually open mouth, but it’s also his downfall.

“Harry’s pollen intake is amplified by the flower-like aperture of his open gob, which we surmise must frequently attract the unwanted attentions of worker bees.

“It’s all a bit too crazily scientific to explain in anything approaching layman’s terms, but it really effs up his shiz.

“Nevertheless, the public can rest assured that it’s now safe to captain him for this weekend’s fixture against controversy-struck Everton.

“Join us next week as we take an in-depth look at Wayne Rooney’s blood alcohol levels.”