Hansen safe after mistaking stadium for supreme being

Hansen...instructing his minions (Image credit: Malcolm Murdoch)

Match of the Day pundit Alan Hansen was yesterday found lying on a deckchair behind Liverpool’s Anfield Road end wearing nothing but sunglasses and a pair of Y-fronts, a source has confirmed.

Search parties comprised of close friends and relatives had been sent out to determine the whereabouts of the former Liverpool captain, who had been missing since Saturday evening, but it was club groundsman Terry Forsyth who eventually came across him apparently trying to “bronze himself” in the mistaken belief that the sun shines out of Anfield’s arse.

Speaking to Football Burp, a source close to Hansen said that, while everyone was relieved to see him safely back home, they were not at all surprised to find the Scottish man wrapped up in delusion pertaining to his beloved Reds.

The pal said: “The last anyone had seen on him, he was on BBC1 at around 11pm Saturday night, agreeing with Lee Dixon that Kieran Richardson was lucky not to get sent off for being within an eighty-mile radius of Luis Suarez kicking himself over.

“This steadfast refusal to face facts – nay, actual slow motion footage – in the face as far as Liverpool is concerned all seemed normal enough, especially when he accused Anton Ferdinand of misjudging the flight of the ball even though Andy Carroll had shoved him in the back.

“Anyway, I digress. We’re just delighted to have him back, even if he does see Anfield as an actual, sentient deity with the Kop as its head and the Anny Road end as its arse. Although I suppose they do seat the away fans in the Anny Road, so I can kind of see his point.

“Look at me, going off on a tangent again. Anyway, we’re just delighted to have him back, even if he does believe himself to be a significant branch of said deity, a bit like one of Vishnu’s arms.

“Sorry, what I’m trying to say is that it’s good to see Alan back fit and well, even if he did write ‘This is Anfield’ on my forehead while I was asleep. Kenny Dalglish slapped me half to death. But it’s great to have Alan back.”

He added: “Even if he was caught trying to hump a fifty-foot concrete wall.”