Pep Guardiola has pinned a “no fatties” sign to the backside of an oblivious Samir Nasri, it has been confirmed.
According to reports, the Man City boss then span around and asked a couple of club employees if they knew where Yaya Touré was.
The Spaniard was left stunned when he realised he was not in fact talking to members of staff but the colossal fundament of Touré himself.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Guardiola admitted he was daunted by the mammoth task that faces him.
He said: “‘Mammoth’ of course being very much the operative word.
“So I turn around and there’s these two burly geezers standing there emblazoned with the club logo.
“Needless to say I took ’em to be bouncers, door men or the like. I thought it was a bit strange how they wasn’t saying anything.
“Imagine my shock when it turns out these two burly fellas was actually the arse of one of my star midfielders.
“I says, ‘Bloody hell, Yaya, what have you been doing all summer?’ but I don’t think he heard me.
“He just sort of carried on gliding slowly away like a 40-ton humpback whale, paying no heed to my exhortations.
“At least with Samir I can look into his eyes and see his heart breaking as I crumble the cake in my hand.”
He added: “And I’ll tell you what, that Bony’s anything but.”