Mario Götze’s £31.5m move from Borussia Dortmund to Bayern Munich will quite literally clip Klopp’s wings, it has been noted.
The observation, tenuous, is a limp play on the fact that Götze can ‘operate’ on the wing, even though he’s really more of an attacking midfielder these days.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, some smartarse or other pointed out that nothing had been literally clipped and that, although aesthetically pleasing, “clip Klopp’s wings” doesn’t make a shred of sense in relation to anything.
He said: “See, I blame those transfer windows – when they’re shut, there’s naff all happening during the week other than drips of fallout over someone hitting and/or being racist to someone else.
“There’s only so many times you can take the mick out of that stuff before you start repeating yourself. There’s only so many times you can take the mick out of that stuff before you start repeating yourself.
Dortmund manager – no, not “Dortmund coach”, you poncy spiv – Jürgen Klopp was outraged at the timing of the announcement of Götze’s impending departure to play for the all-conquering carnival of tiki-taka that will undoubtedly be Pep Guardiola’s Bayern reign, and if it’s anything less then he’ll be managing Middlesbrough within five years.
Klopp, clipped, said: “It’s the eve of our Champions sodding League semi bloody final first arsing leg against Real titting Madrid, and Mario lets this snake unloose. He can’t see the wood for the trees.
“No doubt the Bayern Munich fans will be pitching tents outside the stadium to greet him and erecting statues in his honour. He better hope the deal goes through now because if it should slip through then I’ll make sure he rots in the stiffs.
“It’s going to be hard without him, very hard indeed. How to replace him is certainly a bone of contention, but we shouldn’t be too hard on him – after all, he’s created a rod for his own back. You might say his back has a rod on.
“There’s been a spike in his performances of his late – he’s really stuck out, which has got everyone standing to attention. He’s a lethal weapon, no doubt about it, and I’m sure he’ll be a horn in the side of most teams next season.”
“Did I say horn? I meant thorn.”
When Klopp was asked what he thought might help him get over Götze’s departure, he said: “I think mourning would.”