Spoof football websites across the nation have called for this weekend’s Premier League fixtures to be moved forward to Friday, a source has confirmed.

Sites such as Football Burp, Soccer Belch and Beautiful Game Eructation are so desperate for newsworthy items that they’re not prepared to wait another day.

So uneventful has the two-week international break been that many fans forgot that football even existed, turning instead to pursuits like gardening and playing board games with family members.

It’s a dismal state of affairs, but one that could reach a satisfactory conclusion should the FA yield to the spoof websites’ demands.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, a spokesperson for Football Burp highlighted the following self-interview as evidence of just how bad things have got.

He said: “Look at this, I’m just quoting myself.

“Something interesting needs to happen, and quick. Interesting things happen in Premier League matches. So please – PLEASE – can we bring them forward twenty-four hours?

“We’re hemorrhaging readers here. It’s a total disaster. And all because the international football community wants to stage matches to determine who participates at major tournaments.

“Just draw them out of a hat, you dreadful bureaucrats!”