Roy ‘Psycho’ Hodgson has pleaded with Rio Ferdinand and Ashley Cole not to be “total ****s” when they are reunited for England’s World Cup qualifiers against San Marino and Montenegro.
Hodgson, no-nonsense, has made it quite clear that he will “well and truly lose [his] rag” with the exalted duo if they so much as mention all the racism-based unpleasantness that came between them in recent times, resulting in the Manchester United man labelling his Chelsea counterpart a “choc-ice” due to his cold demeanour and
item protruding from his posterior deliciousness.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp in an abandoned warehouse with Ferdinand and Cole gagged and bound in chairs in the corner, Hodgson laid down the law in his own inimitable style, metaphorically drawing his players closer with one hand and pushing them away with the other.
He snarled: “Now listen, you ****s – we’ve got a World Cup to qualify for and I’m in no mood to be associated with some kind of vegetable for the rest of my days, so you two ****s better keep your noses dry, your knickers clean and your ****s out of each other’s ****s.
“If I catch either of you ****s ****ing about over that **** – sorry Football Burp, I’ll come to you in a minute – then I’ll **** the pair of you into a ****ing **** where no amount of ****s could ****ing save you.
Upon letting them go, Hodgson turned to Football Burp and dropped the hard man act that’s served him so well throughout his career.
He said: “Sometimes you’ve just got to speak strongly to them, otherwise we’ll all get bogged down in the semantics of who was racist to who and about what.
“I’ve already forgotten about what happened between John Terry and Anton Ferdinand, completely erased from my memory that one of them called the other a ‘slack runt’, and that the one who said it is more important to me than the one who had it said to him.
“The door’s always open for Anton to join up with my England squad. All he has to do is be a good player for a while, and I’ll be perfectly willing to overlook the Soulja Boy crank he filmed himself doing with Nigel Reo-Coker.”
He snarled: “Now **** off, you ****.”