Footballers still don’t realise we’re watching their every move

Chelsea's Fernando Torres and Spurs' Rafael van der Vaart gob off
Torres...boss at noughts and crosses (Image credit: Juan Jiménez)

Premier League footballers still don’t comprehend the scale and mechanisms of modern online media, it has emerged.

Despite living in an age where the internet allows you to translate something into Swahili in a matter of seconds or conduct one hundred games of Scrabble simultaneously, it appears that players such as Chelsea’s Fernando Torres and Tottenham Hotspur’s Rafael van der Vaart are yet to realise that we are following their every move and word, waiting to pounce upon even the slightest indiscretion like the salivating dogs that we are.

£50m man Torres, who has been absurdly out of form for what feels like decades now, was dismayed to discover yesterday that the English media had bravely got wind of and heroically interpreted comments he made to some Spaniard or other, while Dutch midfielder van der Vaart is reportedly stomping around Spurs’ Chigwell training ground with what is being described as “the mother of all titty lips”, which follows swiftly in the wake of comments made on his official site under the heading “Batsh*t Crazy”.

Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp said: “He’s just in a bit of a strop ‘cause I left him out of our squad for the Europa League group stage, the poor lamb.

“I tried telling him that I want him fit for the Premier League – which is our bread and butter pudding, after all – and that games against Leprechaun United and FC Papadopoulos will be great for blooding some of the young ‘uns, like Jake Livermore and that lad what scored that t’riffic goal against Arsenal.

“He then asked me, quite reasonably, why I selected his missus in the final twenty-five and not him. That’s when I had to come clean and tell him that he makes me feel uneasy on account of his uncanny resemblance to what I imagine would result if Cesc Fàbregas and Phil Neville were to merge on a molecular level.

“And his wife’s got bleedin’ tremendous norks, I’m sure you’ll agree. Although I don’t like to talk about my players’ wives’ cleavages in public. I’ll leave that to the chairman.”

He quipped: “Of West Ham.”

When quizzed over remarks he appeared to make in Spanish that translate literally as “some of my Chelsea teammates are well slow, like a really slow rock ballad, and f***ing fat with it, the useless f***ing porkers”, Torres claimed that his quotes were taken out of context.

He said: “When I said that some of my teammates play slowly, I was referring to Facebook Scrabble.

“Michael Essien hasn’t made a move for sixteen days now. I’d forfeit him but I’ve got a killer bingo lined up. I don’t want to say too much at this point but it involves a Q on a triple letter score.

“Frank Lampard thinks he’s dead clever with his three-letter word war of attrition but he’s clustered the board so much with it that it’s almost impossible to play anything worthwhile. He’s the fat f***ing c*** in all of this.

“And where I’m supposed to have said that Juan Mata was a necessary signing, what I really said was that it won’t matter if we don’t make any more signings.”

Upon being informed that the international lexicology involved renders this explanation impossible, Torres said: “Buh?”

Meanwhile, Tottenham Hotspur boss Harry Redknapp faces charges over offensive comments made earlier in this article regarding Shamrock Rovers and PAOK Salonika.

Redknapp said: “This article hasn’t even gone live yet and already I’m being hauled in front of an FA disciplinary panel. What a bleedin’ carry on.”

He added: “But I don’t like to talk about myself in public – that’s the chairman’s job.”