It’s the first Louis van Gaal press conference that’s had everybody guessing, and we’re delighted to report that the Dutchman’s unveiling as Manchester United manager passed mostly without incident.
Despite having been forced beforehand into beating up Michael Carrick due to “persistent questioning”, van Gaal began his working relationship with the English media in commendably un-intense fashion.
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Speaking exclusively to Football Burp in a private setting immediately afterwards, van Gaal explained how he had no option but to administer a relatively long-term injury on Carrick.
He roared: “He wouldn’t shtop ashking if I wash wanting to shign Arturo Vidal to replaysh him.
“Frankly it wash getting to be annoying. A bit like when people mock my ackshent in print, as I shee you are doing now. Again.
“Thish ishn’t funny, you know. I’ll shtop giving you eckshlushives unless you sheesh and deshisht immediately.”
He added: “That’s better.”