Prince William, David Beckham and Prime Minister David Cameron are to be flown out to Switzerland by helicopter in order to contest Fifa’s ruling that England’s players will not be allowed to wear poppies in their friendly match against Spain on Saturday.
Every noble Englishman and his dog have reacted furiously to Fifa’s forbiddance of the traditional Remembrance Day emblem on the grounds that “players’ equipment…should not carry any political, religious or commercial messages”, with Cameron tweeting this morning: “Come on then, Blatter! I’ll give you a bunch of fives! #theydontlikeitupem”
However, Fifa have refused to bow to the pressure, leaving our proud nation’s three most eminent ambassadors no choice but to pay a visit to the governing body’s Zurich HQ and “jolly well give them what for”.
Fifa president Sepp Blatter said: “It will be nice to see Wills and the two Daves again, almost a year to the day after they last flew out to try and convince us to let them stage the 2018 World Cup.
“We all had a bloody good laugh that day, making them do press-ups and carry grand pianos up flights of stairs before awarding the tournament to Russia, with our sincerest apologies of course.
“I must say, there is something quite thrilling about exercising that level of power over three such influential people, only to send them home with their tails between their legs like the dogs that they are.
“I’ll let them wear their poppies in the end but not before I’ve ordered a thorough investigation into suspected recreational use of opium within the England camp, tests for which shall involve frankly obscene levels of intrusiveness carried out by our most inexperienced medical staff.
“Then I’ll squander unholy amounts of money on a hard-hitting advertising campaign to raise awareness of the severe nipple damage that can result from combining strenuous activity with sloppily pinned-on poppies. That’ll teach those burger-munching bastards to respect my authoritah.”
He added: “I look forward to taking receipt of Mr Cameron’s bunch of fives and I trust that it will be sufficient to fill an executive briefcase.”