Fifa will congregate next week in order to vote against publicly releasing a report into alleged corruption in the bidding for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups.

The vote will take the form of a lavish function in Marrakesh, Morocco, where a seven-course meal will be followed by ‘exotic’ dancers and finally a vote on whether or not to reveal documents that would confirm just how evil and stupid they are allegedly are.

World football’s governing body had previously issued their own report on the report, a twist on the ‘dream within a dream’ concept integral to the popular film Inception but a touch less convoluted and even more ridiculous.

Fifa’s report on the report was immediately disputed by Michael Garcia, conductor of the original report, who disagreed really quite vehemently with Fifa’s conclusion that absolutely no one had done anything wrong except for that pesky English FA that asks too many questions and doesn’t know when to shut up or which side its bread is buttered.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Garcia recalled how he pissed himself when he first heard that Fifa had taken a ruddy good look at his 430-page report, crossed it all out in permanent marker and written the words “RUSSIA AND QATAR BOTH FINE” in its place.

He said: “I did literally piss myself, half through laughter and half through fear.

“What the hell do they mean when they say that my report couldn’t be released for legal reasons? What legal reasons?

“You know what I think? I think…”

The remainder of the interview will be omitted for legal reasons.