Fifa has once again found itself to be well and truly beyond reproach, this time with regards a dossier leaked to Swiss and German newspapers slagging off Uefa president Michel Platini.

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The governing body, incorrigible, rolled out its in-house ‘ethics committee’ to investigate a complaint from Uefa that someone from within Fifa has been smearing Platini’s name all over the shop.

A legendary former France international, Platini plans to run against Sepp Blatter for Fifa presidency and underlined his suitability to the role when he voted for Qatar to host the 2022 World Cup, despite it basically being a ball of flames flinging suitcases full of cash in all directions.

Having conducted “a full and thorough investigation into the matter, honest guv”, Fifa announced that they found themselves to be “a veritable beacon of virtue and fair dealing, except for those guys [Blatter’s executive committee] that got arrested”.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, a Fifa spokesperson asked us if there was anything else we’d like them to investigate.

They said: “Anything at all, you name it, we’ll investigate it.

“Slave labour building Qatar’s World Cup infrastructure? Not our fault, we checked that. Global warming? Probably not our fault, but we can look into it if you like.

“There are a million and one things that almost certainly aren’t our fault, and if you like we can send you a dossier listing them all.

“Er, not that we do that sort of thing.”