Fifa corruption report “comically misleading”, no one shocked

Conductor of inquiry adamant he never submitted anything about satanic activity at the English FA.

Fifa corruption report might have taken in a briefcase or two
OPEN AND SHUT: Case (Image: Dodek)

It’s the Fifa corruption report that’s sweeping the nation, and – now brace yourself for this, kids – it turns out it’s a load of old hooey.

That’s the opinion of the guy that actually conducted the two-year inquiry, who yesterday expressed one or two reservations when his findings were officially summarised by German judge Hans-Joachim Eckert as “nothing to see here, certainly no Russian or Qatari bribes, hail Sepp Blatter” .

Michael Garcia, the investigator in question, is adamant that Eckert’s report doesn’t tally with his findings at all, and furthermore that he never submitted anything about “ritual sacrifices and other satanic activities” taking place at the English FA headquarters.

It had appeared that the English FA were the unreasonable party all along, what with Greg Dyke’s niggly questioning of the bidding process for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups.

But this notion was soon dispelled by almost everyone, who saw through Fifa’s desperate mud-slinging without really having to think all that much about it.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, no one said they were shocked to hear of Fifa’s latest skulduggery.

No one said: “I’m shocked.

“No really, I am.”

The Fifa corruption report is out now in hardback, paperback and as an interactive DVD featuring three previously unreleased bonus cover-ups.