Fifa corruption is coming for you and your babies, it has been confirmed in the wake of Joao Havelange stepping down as honorary president of football’s governing body.
Havelange, 148, was totally dissed by Fifa’s ethics chairman Hans-Joachim Eckert, who described him as “morally and ethically reproachable” before going on to accuse Nicolas Leoz, who resigned from Fifa’s powerful executive committee on “health and personal” grounds six days ago, of taking “more bungs than Bungy McBungerson, mayor of Bungsville”.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, a jovial Sepp Blatter highlighted the fact that he had not been implicated in all of this, at least not fully, and that this is evidence that he’s really not a bad guy once you get to know him.
However, he did confirm that Fifa corruption intends to devour you and everyone you know, including your darling offspring.
He said: “Hey buddy, you see now how I am not bad man. You come on private plane, yes?
“Come on, guy! We fly to Brazil now, we eat steak, drink cold beer until World Cup next year. Then we think of changes to game. You give me money, I give you World Cup – yes?”
He then burst into hysterical laughter, hiccupped and continued: “You want see CONCACAF money? Come, I show you CONCACAF money.
“We get girls, yes? Homosexual girls, yes? They can be all be linesmen, split game into four quarters. Maybe change shape of ball, make square, and play all games in Qatar. You go to Qatar for Aston Villa v Stoke, yes? If draw, penalties. Always penalties.
“Wait – no penalties. Penalties outmoded. How about managers play Robot Wars? We can do it – we have goal line technology.
“Players wear tighter shorts, yes? Games watched by more women and homosexuals. More precious, precious money for Fifa.
“We should travel back in time and play classic matches again. Would Switzerland beat Spain for second time? Only one way find out.”
He added: “I think maybe I start wearing crown, yes?”