Fantasy football managers up and down the country have threatened to go on strike unless José Mourinho comes clean about the severity of Diego Costa’s hamstring injury.
The online gamers, flummoxed, released a joint statement declaring themselves to be “at their wits’ end” with the Chelsea manager’s perceived lack of clarity regarding his star striker’s fitness.
Mourinho has most recently rated the chances of Costa starting this weekend’s season opener against Swansea as “the square root of X over Y to the power of Z, taking X as the Battle of Hastings, Y as a pencil sharpener and Z as David Guest’s first 5 marriages”.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Dave, a fantasy football manager from Nantwich, explained that Mourinho’s infernal riddles were threatening to break up his marriage.
He said: “I can’t sleep at night for all the deliberating about whether to include Costa in my team, let alone captain him.
“He scored a hat-trick against Swansea at the start of last season, but alas I’d left him out of my side due to Mourinho’s stream of misleading media pronouncements in the week leading up to it.
“My team never quite recovered from the resulting slump. I’ve been irritable ever since, gripped by an inferiority complex that haunts my dreams.
“The wife’s never forgiven me for trashing the kitchen every day for a year. It was just a moment of madness but she won’t let it go.
“If only Agüero was fit, my life could have some kind of purpose again.”