A Luis Suárez injury has got everyone making bold statements about how England might actually qualify from the group stage at this summer’s World Cup after all, it has emerged.

The Uruguayan’s knee, twisted, shall undergo surgery as a nation, this one, kids itself that the Liverpool false 9 won’t recover in time to plunder a hat-trick in São Paulo on June 19th.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, some tedious rent-a-quote or other cited the Suárez injury as proof positive that Roy ‘Psycho’ Hodgson’s men will return from Brazil as World Cup winners.

He said: “This could be another Glenn McGrath moment – another Brett Lee moment, to be more up-to-date about it.

Yes, sorry – I’m a cricket expert. Didn’t I make that clear on the phone earlier? Oh dear. Still, I follow football loosely so maybe we can make this work.

“England will definitely win the World Cup now that this primary obstacle has been removed, and I’m just going to go ahead and presume it has been.

“Hodgeo’s got some cracking young talent at his disposal – that Starling kid, for one, and Berkeley from that blue team.

“Nice to see a few Hampshire lads in there too – that Lalalalanananana guy, and the kid who’s always on the back pages being linked with £20m moves all over the shop.

“And that scouse one who played for all the rubbish teams before he signed for Hampshire. I like him.

“No? Not convincing?”

He added: “Well that was a waste of everyone’s time.”