Everton own goals v Southampton were “practice for City game”

Toffees to spend week rehearsing "boss oggies" in anticipation of Liverpool schadenfreude.

Antolín Alcaraz, scorer of one of the Everton own goals v Southampton
Alcaraz… Ant misbehaving (Image: Dan Farrimond)

They were the Everton own goals v Southampton that had a nation chortling – er, except the Everton-supporting factions of it – and it turns out they were practice.

The defensive lapses, comical, began as early as the opening minute when Photoshopped-in-looking Paraguayan Antolín Alcaraz planted a perfect diving header inside Tim Howard’s near post.

Séamus Coleman then nodded neatly into Howard’s far post after Alcaraz and young defensive buddy John Stones performed an emotionally expressive synchronised leap in order to distract the referee from the goal’s intent.

A win for the Toffees against Manchester City this weekend would pretty hand much hand bitter rivals Liverpool the title on a plate, quite literally, so the suspicions of Burp’s in-house sleuth Ryan Pilchard-West were very much aroused.

Speaking exclusively to Ryan via WhatsApp or something, an anonymous club insider revealed that Roberto Martínez’s men had spent all week rehearsing “boss oggies” in anticipation of City’s arrival.

He said: “It’s going to be a cricket score.

“I mean, we’re going down – and you can be pretty damn sure it’s to Chinatown, baby.

“Not literally of course, although if you are down that way then you really ought to stop and see Liverpool Cathedral – it’s boss.

“I’m sure if you give Antolín a call he’ll be happy to confirm everything I’ve just told you.”

When asked if anonymous club insider had indeed been correct, Alcaraz remained perfectly still with a knowing half-smile etched on his oddly well-lit 2D face.

He nevertheless spoke: “Si si, Cathedral es bueno.

“However, I never scored that oggie on purpose – what happened was that I thought I heard someone shout ‘dejarlo’, which is Spanish for ‘leave it’.

“What I’d actually heard was an Everton fan in the crowd handing a cup of tea to his wife and saying ‘dere y’are, lov’, which could definitely have happened as it was the start of the game and they’d have been just taking their seats.

“Because, you know, they wouldn’t be getting tea and handing it over midway through the half, at least probably not anyway.

“Aqui tienes, no es mi culpa.”

Brendan Rodgers was unavailable for comment as he was busy crowing about Liverpool’s ‘Corinthian spirit’ as if he’d never had Luis Suárez in his team.

Manuel Pellegrini was unavailable for comment as he’d granted exclusivity to our bitter rivals Soccer Belch.

The Everton own goals v Southampton were unavailable for comment as they were incidents which occurred on a football pitch as opposed to real, actual people capable of cognitive thought, speech and whatnot.

D’ere y’are, lov.