Did you know it’s England v Scotland tonight?, it has been shrugged.

The international friendly, well stone me, was probably cobbled together at the last minute to give Rickie Lambert his first cap, or something like that anyway.

With the start of the 2013-14 Premier League season just days away, it appears that no one had even the foggiest idea that this once-prestigious fixture was taking place, tonight, on a football pitch somewhere.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, England manager Roy ‘Psycho’ Hodgson said that he hadn’t known about the game until the other day when he received a phone call from a journalist inquiring as to whether or not Wayne Rooney will play.

He snarled: “So I says to him, I says, ‘Of course Wayne Rooney will play, you bleedin’ pillock.’

“What kind of operation do you think we’re running here, eh? Bra-****in’-zil? Pull the other one, ****.

“I mean, he’s Wayne Rooney, innee? He could be twenty ****ing stone and he’d still offer us more than the rest of our strikers put together.

“Welbeck? Well **** me, more like.”

He added: “Did you say there’s a match on tonight?

“No ****ing rest for the wicked, eh?”

Despite our reservations, an FA spokesperson insisted – having double-checked – that tonight’s England v Scotland fixture is definitely a football match and not rugby or anything like that.

He said: “It bloody better be, otherwise we’ve got the wrong balls.”