England have become the first national side to bore excruciatingly under eight consecutive managers, we can confirm.
The Three Lions numbered eleven in Sam Allardyce’s first match, winning 1-0 in Slovakia thanks to Adam Lallana’s last-gasp wake-you-upper.
No international team had managed to comprehensively unenthuse for six coaches on the trot, but England gave that stat a ruddy good seeing-to.
Continuing the work of Roy Hodgson, Fabio Capello, Steve McClaren, Sven-Göran Eriksson and various comedy caretakers was never going to be easy.
But Allardyce well and truly pulped the history books by fielding a side so tedious it could make you throw up.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Alan, an England supporter from Penge, said he was so profoundly bored that he feels the boredom now defines him.
He roared: “It’s the most intensely I’ve ever felt anything in my life.
“England’s sheer lack of appeal simultaneously blows my mind and lulls me into a deep sleep.
“What makes it even worse is I have a recurring anxiety dream about penalty shoot-outs.
“So now I’m bored and frustrated in one realm and bitterly fearful in the other.
“That’s just super.”