Edgy comedian makes footballers’ heads explode

Bang! Another player loses his head

PFA chairman Clarke Carlisle has slammed comedian Reginald D Hunter for exploding footballers’ heads with his edgy material at Sunday night’s PFA awards.

The night, suitably lavish, was thrown into disarray and dragged into disrepute when Hunter embarked on a routine that tacitly required its audience to engage their brains in a manner that might just lead to original and proactive thoughts with regards society, our role in it and attitudes around the world.

However, the set’s total absence of funny voices, cross-dressing and cats falling off tables sparked a panicked frenzy in which most of the attendant’s heads exploded, literally, right there and then.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, former Countdown contestant Carlisle described the booking of Hunter as “a grievous error” but emphasised that footballers are perfectly capable of leading a “a mostly normal” life without a head.

He said: “Obviously they won’t be quite as effective in the air, but muscle memory should get them through everything else.

“Had their agents’ heads exploded then we’d have a real problem on our hands.”

On the choice of comedian, Carlisle said: “People don’t want to have to think when they’re being entertained, which these days amounts to any spare moment.

“Except of course for those who watch Netflix at work on the sly. Obviously they are being entertained 100% of the time, including when they’re asleep and dreaming about all the stuff they’d been entertained by that day, perhaps reliving it with incongruous cameos from friends and loved ones.

“People don’t want to have to think at these times, so I fail to see why we couldn’t have brought in Lee Nelson – he is, after all, well funny – or the old bloke who dresses up as the old lady who swears all the time.

“Did they ask Russell Howard? There’s no one better at siphoning off comedy kudos from YouTube videos he had nothing to do with, simply by following each one with an exaggeratedly contorted look of incredulity that the audience, already in studio-prompted ‘hysterics’, comes to associate with laughter like a household pet comes to associate pissing on the living room carpet with having its nosed rubbed in it.

“That would have been perfectly judged for the PFA awards. I mean, what next: Bill Hicks? Well, obviously he’s dead, but you know what I mean.”

He added: “I was on Countdown, you know.”

Countdown were not available for comment as they were busy reviewing their applications process.