Did controversial Liverpool striker Luis Suarez assault Chelsea defender Branislav Ivanovic last night, then?

Is it true that the Uruguayan, annoyingly good, wrapped his arm around the Serbian defender’s neck or something, dragging him to the floor and perhaps saying something racist to him on the way down? I wasn’t really watching.

Oh, he didn’t say anything racist? Then why would I care? So Suarez attacked someone in last night’s non-FA Cup final clash between Kenny Dalglish’s Reds and Roberto Di Matteo’s under-strength Blues side at Anfield, with the Reds running out convincing 4-1 winners. Big whoop.

Now, if he’d said something racist then perhaps I’d bother my arse to cobble a half-hearted report together out of all the other reports that would just have gone online. Oh, look – there’s basically sod all about it online because of all the Blackburn Rovers stuff, and all the videos of the incident appear to have been yanked down by the FA’s legal eagles. Can I just enjoy my coffee in peace, now?

I mean, really. Next time you want me to get in a journalistic lather about Suarez, you better be damn sure he’s said something racist to somebody. Otherwise you know what you’re getting? A swift, decisive kick in the Bolsheviks, that’s what.

Now bog off while I read Cracked.com and sporadically avert my gaze to check out the new blonde temp on the other side of the office.

Ah, Lucy – you know the cure for the daily blues. That’s right, eat the Nutri-Grain.