Di Canio rant sightings reported across the North East

Dragged John O'Shea and Ji Dong-Won in front of the assembled press and forced them to shave each other's hair off while crying.

Paolo Di Canio
“Here you go: ****…your…mother” (Image: East Ham Bull)

Paolo Di Canio rant sightings are being reported across the North East of England, it is being uttered.

The Italian, off on one, labelled his players “spivs” after an error-strewn display condemned them to a 3-1 defeat at newly promoted Crystal Palace on Saturday evening.

In what is already being described as “an ill-advised move”, Di Canio then dragged John O’Shea and Ji Dong-Won in front of the assembled press and forced them to shave each other’s hair off while crying.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, one eyewitness claimed that the Di Canio rant continued outside, his journey home effectively escorted by a throng of journalists scribbling frantically as he tore into each of his players’ mothers in turn.

He said: “At first they followed him down the street, then they all piled into his car.

“Eventually they arrived at his house, only to be turned away by a frankly livid Mrs Di Canio – but that just gave Paolo more to rant about.

“Goodness knows where they are right now, but I’ve had lots of texts from family and friends saying they’ve seen them going down the tinned foods aisle at Tesco or sitting in the cinema getting shushed by all around them.

“Apparently this just made Paolo even angrier. He doesn’t like getting shushed.”

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Mrs Ridgewell from Carly Hill claimed that Di Canio was in her garden, right now, aiming a string of verbal broadsides at the birdhouse.

She said: “He’s frightened the poor little things half to death.

“I’ve just seen a report saying they’ve gone on loan to a birdhouse in Hamburg.

“I must say, Paolo’s bird management leaves much to be desired.

“Oh look, he’s at the Jenkinsons’ next door now, sat round the breakfast table with them.

“Dorian will hate that, she’s no patience to speak of ’til she’s had her porridge.”

Di Canio was unavailable for comment as he was busy crushing Cheerios in his hands and scattering the crumbs like the bones of his enemies.

Have you seen a Paolo Di Canio rant in your neighbourhood? Have your say in the comments whatchamacallit below…