Sales of popcorn in the UK have soared in the past 24 hours thanks to Sunderland’s appointment of Paolo Di Canio as Martin O’Neill’s successor.
Di Canio, as head mental as all the bat excrement in la la land, has only been the Black Cats’ manager for a few hours and is already at the centre of a political storm following David Milliband’s resignation as vice-chairman over the Italian’s oft-expressed proclivity for a spot of fascism here and there.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, a spokesperson for the Department of Trade and Industry claimed that the appointment is also responsible for dramatic increases in the sales of fold-up chairs, Doritos and pairs of binoculars.
He said: “Is Di Canio fascist? I couldn’t give two hoots, to be honest.
“A lot of people are braving the cold weather to camp outside the Stadium of Light until the end of the season, so convinced are they of the tantalising unsuitability of Paolo Di Canio’s temperament to the intense media spotlight that Premier League management will subject him to, and the resultant boon to the economy from all the sales of hot dogs and commemorative merchandise could – should it continue at this rate – lead us out of recession.
“You never know what might happen with Paolo Di Canio, except this time you absolutely do. It’s even more predictable and inevitable than Alan Pardew’s reign at Newcastle United going pear-shaped.”
One Sunderland player who asked not to be named said he was looking forward to the initial spike in results inspired by Di Canio’s intensity, but that he was not so enthusiastic about the longer-term slump and divided dressing room inspired by Di Canio’s intensity.
He said: “We’ll find his passion refreshing in the first few weeks, but it’s only a matter of time before he punches one of us in the face and we all turn against him and/or each other.
“I’ve already drafted a transfer request in my head, although I am prepared to see this thing through to its grizzly conclusion. I’m sure I speak for the whole squad when I say that I can’t wait to see how, and when, it all goes belly up.”
He added: “Did you bring a salsa dip for those?”
In other news, hospitals around the country have confirmed that palm burns are now at epidemic levels from all the rubbing together of hands with gleeful anticipation.