Darth Vader has emerged as a shock candidate to replace Sepp Blatter as president of Fifa, it has been confirmed.
The former Jedi Knight, imposing, has outlined his ambition to be supreme leader of world football’s governing body but is likely to come under scrutiny for his appalling human rights record while Dark Lord Sith of the Death Star.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Darth Vader poured scorn on suggestions that his political and military track records should be taken into account when assessing his leadership credentials.
He huffed, ominously: “I should remind you that I was regarded as quite the hero back in my Jedi Knight days, not to mention quite the ladies’ man.
“On the Death Star we established a set of human rights that just so happened to suit our situation at the time – obviously things will be different on other Stars, like the Life Star and the Daily Star.
“So now that you see it’s not at all relevant to my running for Fifa presidency, that should mean I don’t have to Force-choke you to death. I’d rather not have to resort to that, so please don’t make me do it.
“In any case, I’m clearly the right man to replace Blatter because my stranglehold technique is a bit less visible than his, and unlike Michel Platini I didn’t vote for Qatar. I’m not a monster.
“Was that enough scorn for you? Just say when.”