Crystal Palace manager Roy Hodgson has brought in a team of professional pick-up artists in a bid to help his team’s chances of scoring.

The beleaguered Eagles – or ‘Beleagles’ – have lost all six of their opening matches without registering a single goal and have now lost last season’s top scorer Christian Benteke to injury.

With a daunting trip to Manchester United up next, Hodgson will call on the services of some other men whose income depends on getting other men to score.

One of the enlisted pick-up artists said: “As we know, all women are hard-wired to respond to the same stimuli and defenders are much the same.

“More than anything, defenders dig confidence – be assertive, be the alpha male and they’ll part for you like wilting flowers.

“Back-handed compliments are a great way to erode their confidence and get them seeking your approval. Something like ‘nice boots, is that even a real colour?’.

“You have to practise going up to defenders and saying, ‘Look, I’m going to score against you now, and you’re going to like it.’ You’ll be amazed by the results.

“At this point, I should stress how important it is that you buy my book and enroll on one of my courses. Believe me, you’ll be nutmegging Phil Jones in no time.”

At this point, he was arrested on charges of sexual assault.