Confusion reigns as Soldado scores

Outbreaks of looting and general anarchy as PM deploys ground troops.

Roberto Soldado scores and it all kicks off
GOAL: Soldado (Image: Jon Candy)

Roberto Soldado scores and the whole world totally loses it, it was confirmed by widespread anarchy this morning.

The goal, unexpected, threw the entire planet’s equilibrium off to such an extent that all humans immediately commenced looting while all animals made themselves scarce.

A stampede of foxes, squirrels and somehow buffalo was seen bolting away from White Hart Lane yesterday just moments after the Spaniard notched Tottenham Hotspur’s winner against Everton.

The strike was witnessed by some 40,000 people, many of whom were stunned into silence and remain unable to speak about it.

Many more later saw the goal on Match of the Day, leading to scenes that one onlooker has described as being “like Mad Max meets London 2011”.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp from the safety of a private jet, Prime Minister David Cameron warned that order may not be restored again for some time if Soldado scores at Chelsea on Wednesday.

He said: “Remain in your homes and stay calm.

“We have deployed troops on the ground to spray tear gas and rubber bullets indiscriminately amongst the rampant mobs of understandably confused citizens.

“We’re bracing ourselves for another Soldado goal on Wednesday, but I can’t really say with any certainty whether or not the troops have been adequately trained for it.”