Condemned Blatter finds Jesus

Banned Fifa president claims to be 'born again' after finding bible under pile of documents that prove his innocence.

Condemned Fifa president Sepp Blatter
NOT LISTENING: Blatter (Image: Marcello Casal Jr./ABr)

Doomed Fifa president Sepp Blatter has reportedly found Jesus in a shock U-turn.

The embattled Swiss, 79, is said to have fended off overtures from Satan in order to pledge his immortal soul to the Christian deity, 2015.

However, critics have dismissed the move as being suspiciously typical of a condemned man, so much so that they say there may even be reason to doubt that Blatter’s being 100 per cent honest about this one.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, banned Fifa president Sepp Blatter explained how he found a bible in a drawer buried underneath a pile of documents from an internal investigation that proves he’s never been guilty of anything, ever, except possibly caring too much about football.

He said: “As I held the bible in my hands, a shaft of light bolted in through the window and refracted into a crucifix-like shape on the wall behind me.

“Then I heard a voice saying, ‘I love you, Sepp, and furthermore your integrity as head of world football is completely unsullied in the eyes of any right-thinking person.

“I have to say, the voice sounded like Jesus, or at least what you’d imagine Jesus to sound like. Soothing yet masculine tones, you know? Just so reassuring.

“As long as I am reinstated as Fifa president I shall devote my life to spreading the gospel and purging my organisation of the systematic corruption that somehow blighted it without my knowing over a series of decades.

“I was blind, but now I see, and you can’t say fairer than that.”

Jesus was unavailable for comment at the time of writing but is believed to be fuming.