Coleman to Ancelotti: “What in the blue hell is a 3G pitch?”

Bale to play Andorra whether match takes place on 3G pitch, 3D pitch, Bee Gee pitch or 3G phone network.

Chris Coleman wonders what on Earth a 3G pitch is
Coleman fronting his indie-rock four-piece Hard-Fi

Chris Coleman has responded to Real Madrid’s concerns about Gareth Bale playing on Andorra’s 3G pitch by asking: what in the name of holy mother football is a 3G pitch?

The Wales manager and occasional Hard-Fi front man told Football Burp that he intends on fielding his star winger on September 9th whether the Euro 2016 qualifier takes place on a 3G pitch, a 3D pitch, a Bee Gee pitch or even a 3G mobile phone network.

He roared: “You tell that Carlo Ancelotti – and you can quote me on this – what the actual living f*** is a 3G pitch?

“I’ve heard some outlandish excuses for holding star players back from international duty in my time, but an Andorran 3G pitch? It sounds like someone’s trying to sell me a dodgy internet connection.

“Why couldn’t they just pretend he’s a little bit injured, like Chelsea are doing with Diego Costa? At least that’s a little bit more dignified for all parties.

“What next, Arsène Wenger telling me that Aaron Ramsey won’t be able to play because the grass is made of Vodaphone?

“I’ve never heard such claptrap in all my life.”

Speaking exclusively to someone a darn sight more illustrious than Football Burp, Ancelotti arched one eyebrow to an almost impossible degree.

He said: “Look at that! Impressive, isn’t it?

“I pay Ray Wilkins to operate it like a marionette.”