City unveil plans to be really good for absolutely ages

City of Manchester Stadium
Manchester City: pioneers of 24/7 stewarding (Image by psgmag.net)

Manchester City look set to defy their long-held tradition of screwing everything up in a whirlwind of hilarious mishaps.

As the club unveiled plans for a world class footballing academy and training complex next to the Etihad Stadium, football fans up and down the country were left choking on their Cornflakes and trying to come to terms with City’s increasing non-resemblance to an exploding clown car.

The complex, which will include seventeen pitches and a 7,000 capacity stadium for youth matches, has been planned as a long-term alternative to spending lots and lots and lots of money, with City officials hoping that the cultivation of a Barcelona-esque culture will herald an era of dominance that not even a juggling Jamie Pollock could put paid to.

City’s Chief Football Operations Officer Brian Marwood noted that phase one of the club’s evolution has now been fulfilled by Champions League qualification, an FA Cup win and the symbolic retirement of a much-loved half-sandwich that Kiki Musampa left in the canteen fridge just before scoring a spectacular winner against Liverpool.

He said: “It is important to also make clear that the development and recruitment of youth talent is at the heart of our long term strategy of building a successful and sustainable football club for the future.

“The opportunity to build a world class facility supported by a well researched youth development plan would be a significant step in the realisation of that strategy.”

While City fans salivate at the possibilities for their football club, there was a widespread furrowing of brows amongst Manchester United supporters fearing that Sir Alex Ferguson’s “noisy neighbours” are starting to take this whole ‘being good’ thing really rather seriously.

Andrew Beaton, a United fan from Salford, said: “Have you seen the pictures that City released with the proposal?”

He added: “F*** me sideways.”