Football fans up and down the country laughed their cocks off at the Manchester giants’ respective Champions League exits last night, before suddenly feeling pangs of hollowness and melancholy upon realising that such instances of schadenfreude now constitute a sizeable percentage of their enjoyment of football these days due to the unlikelihood of their own side achieving anything of any note ever again.

Erm…it has emerged.

Although the relegation of Manchesters City and United to Europa League football was unanimously agreed to be “funny as f**k” by supporters of every other side in the country, nationwide mirth was brought to a grinding halt by the distressing awareness that their own hodgepodge collection of loanees, free transfers and eager yet mediocre youngsters could only dream of holding out desperately at some godforsaken former Soviet hellhole on a Thursday night.

Dave Spedding, a supporter of a formerly proud club that now languishes in the lower echelons of League One, said: “Hahahaha. FC Basel! Tossers. Ahahahahaha.

“Right, better get my tickets sorted for Rochdale away.”

Bob Flowers, a supporter of a mid-table Premier League club that’s stagnating badly and now has to sell a key player every couple of windows just to keep the wolves from the door, said: “City in the Europa, eh? Couldn’t have happened to a bigger bunch of c***s.

“I sure do miss those Europa aways.”

Frank Lee, a supporter of a non-league club that he co-founded a few years ago out of protest, said: “Anyone fancy a pint?

“Don’t get me started on that quiz machine though. The missus’ll cut me Jacobs off if I blow another twenty.”

He added: “Oh look, they’re showing Wigan against Stoke.”

A crazy-looking guy on a street corner said: “The drawbridge has been raised. The ladder has been cut. The door to the party has been slammed firmly in our faces.

“Football.

“Is.”

He added: “F**KED.”