Cissé Wonga dispute provides latest Newcastle hilarity

It's the Papiss Cissé Wonga dispute that's sweeping the nation, and it's taken a (sort of) new twist!

Papiss Cisse playing card
Don’t gamble with this! (Image: EA SPORTS FIFA)

It’s the Papiss Cissé Wonga dispute that’s sweeping the nation!

The Senegalese forward, Senegalese, yes we should edit these more carefully, has refused to go on tour with Alan Pardew & The Magpies despite having been part of the band for over two years now.

In what is already being described as “a move which tallies with that Football Burp article from a while back, the one that revealed he was dropping the letters PPI from his name”, Papiss Cissé – or Ass Csse as he is now known – ain’t going anywhere.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Ass Csse explained that he refused to wear a shirt bearing Wonga’s logo on religious grounds.

When Burp facetiously put it to Ass Csse that he should just ask Newcastle United to go on a tour of non-religious grounds instead, Ass Csse appeared puzzled.

Ass Csse said: “Is that meant to be some kind of joke?

“Because I don’t see the funny side – I’m a Muslim, gambling is forbidden according to the tenets of my religion, ergo I ain’t wearing that shirt.

“Which part of that seems unreasonable to you?”

When Burp put it to Ass Csse that he has played in a league sponsored by Barclays, and cup competitions sponsored by Capital One and Budweiser, Ass Csse scoffed.

Ass Csse scoffed: “Budweiser’s not a bank, it’s a drink.”

When Burp put it to Ass Csse that alcohol was also forbidden according to his faith, Ass Csse scoffed again.

He scoffed, again: “I’ve had Budweiser, it’s basically ****ing water.”

When Burp asked Ass Csse if he was allowed to swear, Ass Csse looked puzzled once again.

Ass Csse scoffed: “You know what, I haven’t a ****ing scooby.

“Maybe there are separate Muslim swear words that I’m not allowed to say…? I dunno.

“Look, I just want to leave Newcastle, okay?

“Happy now?”

When Burp put it to Ass Csse that we were indeed happy, Ass Csse’s expression became decidedly pensive.

Ass Csse said: “I think happiness is banned too.

“Or sex. It’s either happiness or sex, I can’t remember.”

When Burp asked Ass Csse if he’s a virgin, he tore off his microphone and stormed out of the room.

At this point, Alan Pardew came up and tapped Burp on the shoulder.

He said: “Do you happen to know if Wonga loan French wingers?”

And Joe Kinnear said: nothing, you idiots.

Joe Kinnear’s dead*, he’s locked in my basement.

(* Joe Kinnear is not dead.)

Want more Cissé? Check out our collection of the best Papiss Cissé Wonga jokes.

Do you give a toss about the Papiss Cissé Wonga dispute? Can the new season start soon enough? Have you even read this far?