Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is set to go without silverware for a seventh consecutive year, reportedly favouring the versatility and convenience that you get with chopsticks.

According to sources, the Frenchman is still of the belief that trying to scrub in between the prongs of a fork is a hassle one can do without, while he has moved to quash speculation that his wife is unhappy with the problems presented by chopstick use to soup consumption, pointing out that he hasn’t had any pots for the last seven years either and therefore has not even contemplated preparing soup, despite the impressive range of flavours available to him at his local Waitrose.

Furthermore, the absence of silverware dictates that Wenger is not at liberty to scoop anything, ruling out gongs for the best part of the last decade and culminating in an accumulation of waywardly scraped ice cream that melts under any kind of pressure or exposure to heat.

A pal said: “Well, that was a bit rubbish.”

Click here to read Football Burp’s second attempt at a spoof Arsene Wenger news story!