Chicks Will Manage and Mark Clattenbot Will Get You, Roars Sanchez

Barnet manager Lawrie Sanchez reckons lasses will be Premier League managers
By 2022, Sam Allardyce will have shed enough weight to squeeze into that size 14

Barnet manager Lawrie Sanchez reckons there will be a bit of skirt in a Premier League dugout by 2022.

Speaking in the Sexism in Football? documentary which airs on BBC1 tonight at 10.45pm, the former Northern Ireland and Fulham boss stated his belief that English football’s ever-spiralling concessions to ‘entertainment’ will probably result in a bit of choice totty landing a top flight job before long, just you watch.

Football Burp understands that, while the clip shown tonight shall present Sanchez in a prescient and respectful light, it was in fact edited down from a “bizarre rant” in which the 1988 FA Cup winner lays out the manifold changes he anticipates shall be made to English football in the not-too-distant future.

These projected changes also include:

The live matchday experience (ie actually being there) to be upgraded to a 4D experience, “and if television coverage upgrades to 4D then upgrade to 5D for god’s sake”

Every club to be officially affiliated with a different Hollywood celebrity, and for their only interractions with their clubs to be semi-regularly issuing ill-informed commands “over a screen via satellite linkup, like that guy from Charlie’s Angels…wosisname…Charlie”

Televised auditions for professional contracts to be the norm, “not some one-off Sky 1 programme presented by Wayne Rooney and the bloke who says ‘unbelievable tekkers'”

Robot referees with names like “Mark Clattenbot, Howard Webmaster and Mike Ril-E”

Tim Lovejoy to be President of FIFA

Lawrie Sanchez to be co-managing Manchester United alongside Salma Hayek