Chelsea have appointed Rafael Benitez as Roberto Di Matteo’s successor after being knocked back by the anthropomorphized depiction of time, it has been confirmed.
Father Time, bearded, was number one on Roman Abramovich’s hit list as the Blues’ Russian owner seeks to maximise his £50m investment in misfiring Spanish striker Fernando Torres.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Abramovich stated that Benitez had been entrusted with the Stamford Bridge hot seat until the end of the season on account of his unerring ability to say “the goal’s that way, son” in Spanish.
He said: “Yes, it is true that we approached Father Time about taking the Torres job, but unfortunately he already has his hands full with a scythe and an hourglass.
“We thought about who else might be able to help my £50m investment recapture his best form, and someone pointed out that the last time he was any good was when he was playing under Benitez at Liverpool. My first idea of relocating the whole club to Merseyside was shouted down across the board, so we agreed on a compromise whereby Rafa just manages us for a bit instead.
“If Torres doesn’t look like scoring in the first twenty minutes of our next game then we’re going to sack Rafa and replace him with a managerial team of Uri Geller, Eileen Drewery and at least one ex-player, maybe Gavin Peacock or someone like that.”
He added: “Mark Stein – remember him?”