Chelsea to Arsenal: “Here, have some Premier League points”

Sent goalkeeper Petr Čech to Emirates in large, gift-wrapped box bearing instruction to "open me".

Petr Čech, worth at least 5 to 10 Premier League points
Čech in the post (Image: John Dobbo)

Chelsea have sold ten Premier League points to Arsenal in what is already being spoken of as José Mourinho’s most arrogant move to date.

In a deal that sent shockwaves throughout north London yesterday around teatime, Chelsea sent goalkeeper Petr Čech to the Emirates in a large, gift-wrapped box bearing an instruction to “open me”.

The package carried inside it a further note explaining the nature of Mourinho’s gesture and how it might be used to best effect.

It read: “Dear Arsène, if you’re reading this then by now you’ll have seen the fabulous new goalkeeper I’ve sent you.

“Petr is only 33 and should be worth at least 5 to 10 more Premier League points for you next season, so you should pose us marginally more of a threat.

“But not enough to counter all the injuries you shall inevitably suffer on account of the voodoo curse I lumbered you with when I first arrived on these shores.

“Toodle oo, Arsène.”