Manchester United were left reeling this morning as Chelsea swooped in to swipe the daily newspaper off their front doorstep, it has been confirmed.
PLUS! DON’T MISS: The best jokes as Chelsea steal Pedro from Man Utd
In a further blow to the Red Devils, Chelsea returned half an hour later to pinch three bottles of semi-skimmed milk and a Barcelona winger believed to be worth £21m.
To compound United’s misery, Chelsea then flew by Great Gazoo style and nabbed the delicious hamburger they were all set to tuck into as consolation for missing out on today’s headlines, a nice cup of builders’ tea and Pedro.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Louis van Gaal waggled his fist and made anguished groans until he was red in the face.
He said: “I was really looking forward to having a nice bowl of cereal, tackling the crossword and installing Pedro into my new-look forward line.
“In other words: why I oughta!”
José Mourinho was unavailable for comment as he was doing or saying something inscrutable.