Chelsea are set to test the Premier League’s resolve with a stunning and unprecedented £150m bid for a top 4 place, we can reveal.
The crisis club, beleaguered, were left hovering perilously above the relegation zone after a 1-0 defeat to Stoke that’s already being spoken of as “disastrous” in some quarters and “hilarious” in others.
José Mourinho’s men have now lost 7 of their 12 Premier League matches this season, leading to suggestions that the incorrigible Portuguese is completely bollocksed.
But owner Roman Abramovich appears to have hatched a possible solution by offering the league a whopping £150m to let them bypass on-pitch results completely and occupy a Champions League place for the duration of the season.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, the usually tight-lipped Russian oligarch explained how he came up with the idea.
He said: “I was watching the Stoke game and I thought to myself, ‘What’s the point in having all this money if we can’t buy success?’
“Then it occurred to me – let’s buy success! Cut out the middle men of player procurement, coaching and tactics, and just buy our history in an even more direct manner than we have thus far.
“Now that the era of systematic doping looks to be drawing to a close back in Mother Russia, offering vast sums for league position really was the only option available to me.
“The Premier League can do as they wish the money – share it amongst the other sides, spunk it all on an expensive and frankly needless rebranding, even enjoy a nice holiday.
“It doesn’t bother me none, bro.”