Cantona Plots Next Whacky Stunt That Won’t Achieve Its Goal

Former Manchester United star Eric Cantona looks well dapper in a bowtie.
Cantona... Bowtie (Image: Georges Biard)

Eric Cantona says he won’t be rushed into making a decision regarding the nature of his next publicity stunt aimed at highlighting the plight of the poor in his native France.

The former Manchester United talisman made headlines this week when he announced his intention to challenge Nicolas Sarkozy for the French presidency, but this was quickly revealed to be a hoax designed to attract attention to the serious issue of whatever it was, I’ve forgotten already.

Disappointed with the media’s collective response of “so…you’re not running for presidency, then?”, the erstwhile King of Old Trafford told Football Burp that he would be taking some time out to weigh up the pros and cons of the various hair-brained schemes he has lined up for his next attempt to get the all-important message across.

He said: “How about this – I announce my shock return from retirement on the eve of Manchester United’s next big game, come on as a second-half substitute and make a sloppy mistake that leads to a goal for the opposition…?”

After being informed that Paul Scholes had already done this, Cantona regrouped and said: “Okay, how about this – I announce to the world that I am set to join the cast of Channel 4 staple Hollyoaks, in which I shall play the role of a curmudgeonly but very gifted watch repairer who shuns the world at large, until the townsfolk discover that my brooding cantankerousness is down to having long ago lost the love of my life to tuberculosis, and I eventually vow to change my ways after they show me the true value of friendship…?

“Mais non, c’est stupide. What about this – I challenge Gerard Depardieu to a high-stakes joust in which both parties are to be mounted on bicycles, using baguettes instead of lances, all set to the backdrop of a spectacular lightshow courtesy of Jean Michel Jarre…? Non?”

He added: “Le tennis avec des singes…?”