Fifa’s 209 member associations will today congregate for the ritual re-installation of Sepp Blatter as their supreme leader and overlord, despite the crisis engulfing football’s governing body.

Jordanian Prince Ali bin al-Hussein, 39, has been chosen as the ceremonial patsy for the occasion and will be personally sacrificed by Blatter, who has been president of Fifa since 1898.

The vote takes place after FBI agents swooped into a Swiss hotel and rounded up some of Fifa’s top bribers and racketeers, herding them into the back of a van and speeding purposefully off into the dewy lakeside morning.
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Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Blatter promised to restore trust in Fifa and “find a way to fix things”.

He said: “These are unprecedented – well, unprecedentedly high-profile anyway – and difficult times for Fifa.

“Once again it must fall to me to uphold the image of the organisation, which currently lies in more tatters than whatever it is that lies in tatters that might have been in the news recently.

Blatter has condemned the “action of individuals” for bringing “shame and humiliation” on football in the corruption scandal.

He said: “Bloody individuals.

“That’s their fault, all the shame and humiliation. Not mine.”