Outgoing Fifa president Sepp Blatter says he is moving forward with plans for a “comprehensive escape route” should the FBI come back for his crooked ass as expected.
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It comes after a tumultuous nine days for his organisation, in which the whole house of cards – presumably some old football trading cards or Top Trumps or something – has come tumbling down amidst a flurry of squealing pigs and singing canaries.
Seven senior Fifa officials were held in a dawn raid last week in Zurich when someone reminded the FBI of America’s extradition deal with Switzerland.
One grizzled and attitudinal FBI agent shot a round into the TV then wailed “let’s go get that Swiss son of a bitch”.
This man is expected to play the ‘maverick’ character in a forthcoming Hollywood adaptation of this gripping real life saga.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Sepp Blatter allowed us into his inner sanctum to observe from close range as he frantically explored potential methods of giving the FBI the slip.
He said: “If I know Jack Warner and Chuck Blazer like I think I do, they’ll be well and truly ratting me out right about now.
“By the time the feds come a-calling, I’ll be undergoing an emergency sex change in a helicopter bound for Honolulu.
“And the helicopter will be disguised as a cloud.”
He added: “Or maybe we could arrange some sort of chute?”