Sam Allardyce has admitted he’s powerless to stop Wayne Rooney breaking into his house and raiding his fridge.
Big Sam emerged victorious from his first game as England manager thanks to a last-gasp Adam Lallana scuff in Slovakia.
However, the victory was marred by Rooney’s gratuitous deployment of himself in a midfield holding role.
When asked if he had the authority to put a stop to such shenanigans, Allardyce shrugged wearily and remained philosophical.
He said: “Who am I to tell Wayne where or how to play? I’m only the manager.
“Wayne is the golden boy here, all our sponsors know that. I can’t even stop him sneaking into my kitchen in the middle of the night and making himself massive sandwiches.
“I came down the other night to find him sitting in our living room wearing my dressing gown, drinking my brandy.
“He was even using my laptop to Skype the mother-in-law. Not his mother-in-law, but mine.
“He’s got so much experience of international football and taking the piss that I daren’t tread on his toes.
“Especially since he’s usually wearing my shoes.”